Sitting here after watching one of my favorite tear jerkers, My Sister's Keeper about a family who deals with a child that is terminally ill with Leukemia. This movie is always bitter sweet for me, but got me to thinking differently this time. Although the last 10 minutes of the movie are always the hardest, I always find it painfully humorous. Let me explain why...
At the moment where this beautiful girl is about to pass away, the family is all there telling her to pray her cancer cells away...tell your brain to heal your body...to tell her body to heal it self....think positive thoughts and it will go away. Try some herbal method just shy of flying to the left side of the moon to get the dust from a crater to inhale in the right nostril...smh.
Ok so I exaggerated a little...but I am always angry at this point because it reminds me of my own personal struggles. Living with Lupus, Sjogren's, Fibromyalgia, Lymphoma (cancer), liver issues, digestive issues, skin issues, nerve issues, blah blah blah!!! I always want to scream at the TV and people that offer "simple" remedies or unconventional cures..."DON'T YOU THINK IF IT WERE THAT SIMPLE...NOBODY WOULD EVER GET OR BE SICK!!!!!!!!!
And when she passes on later that night, I'm sad and thinking...did her family think she was a failure, lacked faith, didn't pray hard enough, or just wanted attention? Is that what my own friends and family think? Well tonight I had an epiphany. I can't tell you how many times I have secretly shed tears of hurt and frustration over my closest friends who I know love me unconditionally, offering me unsolicited advice about how to "CURE" myself. I can't tell you how many times I thought," they just don't get it". But honestly, I was the one who didn't get it.
And let me first and foremost apologize to everyone who supports me and has been there with me through many struggles known and unknown. While I have been on my crusade to educate, enlighten, encourage, and evoke empathy not sympathy... I forgot that chronic, terminal, and invisible diseases are hard to deal with and understand, not just for me, or anyone else living with them, but for those who live with and love us, and often lose us as well. Denial works both ways...the pain works both ways...and therefore the understanding has to work both ways. I forgot to understand that no one wants to imagine terrible things, pain, and especially death. So how can I expect for people to understand what I go through?
I know tons of people with similiar struggles and although we have an idea of what we all go through...no two people will ever suffer or survive the same. How can I tell people to understand, when I can't understand their pain of watching...wishing they could take it away, pray it away, or even fight for me. They are as deep in a pit of pain and confusion, as I am.
So I want to give a special shout out to caregivers, friends, and families of anyone living with unique colors in their rainbows. Let's open the dialogue so we can understand each other, and not hurt each other with words that neither one of us feels or understands to be insensitive at best. I love you all and would not be able to pursue my dreams, goals, and aspirations without you.
You are very much appreciated and I want you to know that my pursuit of happyness is a door that swings both ways. I want to give as much as I get...and will do better to try to keep the dialogue going and the interchange open. I will do better to explain things and answer any questions regarding my health and my musical journey. They both at this point in my life are one in the same.
It is hard in itself to establish and thrive in the musical arena. It is also very difficult to have a productive and sucessful life. We all have challenges in life, and mine just happen to include many rare, misunderstood, chronic and terminal road blocks. I may have many colors in my rainbow, but like any storm, there is beauty on the other side! I see nothing but great things in the future for my musical journey, and my life journey. Things that I hope will not only add peace and longevity to my life...but also to yours.
Thanks for being in my world and feel free to share with anyone you think would enjoy!
I am The Soul Stringer....and I approve this message!